I promised to keep updates going on, and I am hoping to make my posts more frequent. Right now life changes so much from week to week for me. It seems that the person I was in January is so different from who I am now. I feel like I am starting to wake up and feel life again. My second attempt at chemo didn't work and I have many more tumors growing not only in my lungs, but now on my spleen and a new one in my liver. I was given another chemo regimen guess with a different drug. And I was also told that I am inoperable and was given a time frame of life expectancy, 1-2 years. I was dissapointed to hear that the cisplatin didn't work or do anything for me.

I have decided that at least for now I am not going to take the chemo route again. Now we are looking more at the alternative/intigrative world of cancer treatment. There are clinics all over that we are looking at that specialize in this as well as supplements, acupuntcture and such. Perhaps the biggest change will be dietary. The angle we are going to fight at now is one of strengthening my immune system so that it will fight the cancer for me. And at some point and time, if I feel like it would benefit me to do so, I will look into chemo and more evasive treatments.

I want to be able to live life for however long I have left on this earth. I am so grateful to my doctors and nurses through this whole process. They really are and have tried to do everything they know how to for me. And they are supportive of me looking into anything that might work. Unfortunately all they know is chemo, radiation and surgery. So in a lot of ways it brings us back to becoming our own "doctors" or "healers", researching, trying to find anything and everything out there and deciding how my body will best fight the cancer.

We aren't giving up hope yet.

My philosophy for now is that I am going to have a miracle happen, and that to make it very obvious that me being healed is a miracle, things have to get really bad. Of course this isn't necessarially what will happen, but I like the thought of it, and for now it helps me so I choose to believe this for now.

I wanted to share an interesting and sacred moment I had to be able to participate in a few weeks ago. The weather in Utah started to warm up in Utah and my parents decided to take the grand kids camping at a campground in a beautiful canyon just 20 minutes from home. Anna loves going camping and the R.V. so she was so excited. I wasn't feeling very well, so I decided not to spend the night with them, but Chris and I went down the next morning and helped with breakfast and spent the day with them. It just so happened that in the camp area there is this grove of trees, a nice plesant area for large group gatherings. And all the flowers, trees and bushes were starting to bloom and come alive. It was such a beautiful place.

The second part of this story is that my Uncle Phillip has been working for the past year or so with a local painter as a model for Christ. And it just so happened that same day they were shooting a photo shoot for her to use for new paintings in this little grove. My brother Parker was also up visiting and brought his camera to take pictures of the family and kids. The photographer and painter invited all the kids to come over with Phillip and take pictures. Anna decided to be shy and didn't want to cooperate. But there was one nicece who really took to Phillip. She spent at least 3o minutes talking and posing with him. It was so natural though, it wasn't like a go to Target photo shoot and fake smiles. There was such a sacred feeling watching this little girl who hasn't learned much about Jesus Christ or spent any time with Phillip to be so at peace in his presence. I really felt as I watched them interact that this is what it was like for the little children to be in Christ's presence. They reminded me of just how precious our children are, and how much we are loved by our Savior and Heavenly Father. I felt at this moment such a strong connection to God, Christ and the unconditional love they have for each of us. I am so grateful to be able to feel and know that. In that moment I was able to let go of the pain and fatigue that I was feeling and really be present in the moment. Sometimes it's hard for me to be grateful and find joy in my life.

Life has been so hard for us lately, and it seems as if it never lets up. But that moment I found peace that God is always there for us and he desires us to have joy. I just need to let go of the control of life and give it all over to God. He has infinite wisdom and knows all. I need to trust that he will do what is best for my family and I. So I pray for the ability to let go of the control issues I have and for that miracle that is desired.