So it has been quite some time since I posted anything and although I have lots of thoughts and things I want to share with every one, which I will work on posting in time, I just wanted to take a little time tonight to reflect on the moments this past month of December.
It has been such an overwhelming and humbling experience for me to experience the love and generousity of so many people. I am amazed in how loved ones and friends, people who know me and total strangers have given to my family and I. I don't think I will ever fully begin to thank all those individuals.
For anyone who hasn't heard, the experimental treatment that I was doing in Bethesda did not work for me. My body and mind couldn't tolerate the high doses of chemo, and it couldn't help me without increasing the ammount of Chemo they were giving me. My feelings have been conflicted with the news. In one way I am disappointed, upset, sad and mad that this treatment didn't help me. There are moments that I think that I could have done something different to help the treatment work; that if I just sucked it up and dealt with the side effects, ignored how sick the chemo made me, that possibly I could have tolerated it better and maybe it could have worked for me.
But in other ways I am relieved that it's over and I am starting to feel a bit more healthy and normal again. I am still going to fight this cancer with all I've got, I just have to find a different path now. In a little under a month from now I will start a different chemo drug, one that can be administered here at home through an I.V. and I am told that it won't make me so sick. I will still experience some bad days and still have many of the similar side effects but not as severely as I did while on the trial in Bethesda, Maryland. Mostly we (the doctors and I) are looking at that my best option for remission will be surgery. I hoped to never have to experience major surgery again, but I will do what I have to, to kick this cancer and LIVE.
One thing I am certian about is that I am thankful that I did try the clinical trial in Bethesda. If I had the choice to do it over again I would still choose to attempt the clinical trial, even if I knew it wouldn't work for me. I am grateful to have met and be treated by the team at NCI. Dr. Fojo was so thoughtful about my individual needs. He is one of the most experienced and knowledgedable doctors out there when it comes to my cancer (adrenal cortical carcinoma). And I am comforted knowing that I will always be able to consult with him on whatever health need I have with this cancer. I am also grateful to have met so many amazing people; paitents who have the same cancer as I do, other people who have been told they have terminal cancers who are looking to the staff at NCI to help them become better.
And I still feel that I am going to be around for a long time. I am not ready to leave and I am not going to let a silly thing like cancer take control of me. These past few months I have experienced so much. I have had times when I would pray to end it all, to die and rid the pain and agony that I was going through. I didn't really understand what pain was until now. But when you have had moments like that; when you just want to die because the physical effects are more than you feel you can bear, it helps you to better experience, feel and appreciate the moments of Joy in your life. It is good for us to know pain so that we can understand Joy.
I am grateful for all that I have learned from my trial so far. I know the road to recovery is going to be long and hard. The pain and illness isn't over yet, but I also have many good moments and experiences to come as well. Anna is testiment to that. She teaches me daily about the important things in my life. I thank God every day for allowing me to take care of such a special spirit daughter of his, even though I am still learning, even with all my inperfections. He has given me so many blessings, at times I don't feel that I am deserving of all that He has done for me. In a way I feel it shows me how much God loves us.
Slightly off the subject, I wanted to share a fun experience I had with Anna, Boyd and Marcia (my mom and step-dad) while we were in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania this last weekend. After touring the battlefield extensively, we went to dinner at a local cafe called "Freindly's" I believe. As we were parking Anna spotted a group of four people walking into the resturant ahead of us. One of which had a very close likeness to Santa Claus minus the red suit and bag of presents. Seriously, he had a full white beard and everything. As soon as she spotted him she was infatuated. She calles Santa "HO, HO, HO" and even tries to say it in as deep and low of a voice that she can do. So we were hearing her say "mommy, grandma, papa (grandpa), HO, HO, HO!" all the way into the resturant and through dinner. The waitress and the people around us were getting a kick out of this, the only person who seemed annoyed and unamused about her excitement was "Santa" himself. Fortunately Anna didn't notice his annoyance with the whole situation and continued to be excited about the fact that she got to eat in the same resturant as "HO, HO, HO!". I think the biggest reason she likes Santa so much is because he hands out candy. She even asks still about where "HO, HO, HO" is now. Anna isn't ready to be done with Christmas for the year. She still requests to sing her favorite Christmas carol "Deck the Halls" at night before bed time. She likes to do the fa, la, la, la, la part. It's just another testament to the joy and splendor of Childhood. I get to remember a little of what it was like to be so carefree at times like that.
I have a lot of catching up to do, so expect to see more postings in the next little while. Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and thoughtful at this time.
-Becky :)
3 Comments:
Hi Becky, I wanted to tell you that I think you are such a strong person, and that I admire you so much for that. You have such a positive attitude.
Keep smiling your pretty smile! :)
Love Andrea & Family
Go, Becky, go!!!!!!!
Next week I will celebrate the 10th year anniversary of the surgical removal of my left adrenal gland for cancer. Unlike you, my tumor was producing large amounts of aldosterone - Conn's Syndrome - very, very rare. At the time, I was a 52 year old nurse at the University Hospital in Salt Lake where Dr. Robert Stephensen did the surgery. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone......love & live!!! Karla
You're awesome Becky. We're all keeping you in our prayers. Keep on dancing with Anna, even if its just in spirit. I'm so glad you've got such a great husband and sweet girl at this time in your life.
Post a Comment
<< Home