These are my September 11th thoughts. I meant to post them yesterday but my computer didn't want to comply.
I didn't accomplish a whole lot today, but I did play with Anna a lot today. It was all possible due to the fact that the first time in over three weeks I haven’t had some sort of appointment. Anna played doctor and checked me out to make sure I wasn't hurt or sick. She helped me unload dishes from the dishwasher and clean the kitchen. The best investment I ever made was the 75 cent toy vacume cleaner from Deseret Industries! She also tried to help her doll go potty on the toilet and almost dropped the doll into the water and put a diaper on her teddy bear so he could go poop. One day when she is a teenager I am sure she won’t appreciate me talking about her being obsessed with the potty and making sure her dolls properly use the toilet, but it is just so much fun to watch her grow up and get excited about little things like that. I just can’t help myself! We also went out to the garden and she proceeded to trample the bell peppers and pick the green tomatoes for me. It was a good non-productive day and I was happy to be so irresponsible.
It was kind of neat also to be able to see Jared, my brother on CNN today. With all the September 11 ceremonies and coverage on T.V. about the War on Terror, Boyd was watching it as he was working. Jared has been in Afghanistan for a while and occasionally will get to call or email Boyd and the family. Today, fittingly so, we were able to see just a few glances of my brother in some footage that was shot in his unit. The reporter was covering a September 11th memorial service that his troupe was doing and in the middle of it they were attacked with artillery, so of course the ceremony was put on hold while they took care of business. We saw Jared load artillery and fire back. We also saw him standing in formation at the memorial service. They were just brief glances but I was so grateful to be able to see Jared and know that even though he is in all the middle of the fighting and destruction that he is there serving, doing his duty and for the moment he is alive and well. I also am grateful to have been able to share that moment with Boyd. He knows what Jared is going through, he knows how hard it is to be serving people in such desolation, some who don’t even care that he is there risking his life for them. But to also see the pride that he carries for Jared in doing what he is for his country, his family and the world.
Another good thing about today is that we have tons of cookies and sweets here at the house. Susan Fox (the cake lady) had a ton of left over cookies and brownies and had to get rid of them and she wasn't open today for business so she brought them by the house. She got all emotional about the surgery and it was her way of showing she cared, by filling us with delicious cookies! I have been trying to eat well, especially because I think it will help with how I do on recovering from surgery. Not that I don’t have good nutritional habits, but it was nice to splurge a little and have a cookie today.
Anna loved the fresh broccoli that we picked from the garden today. I put it in the skillet with just a tiny bit of water and steamed it for about 6 or 7 minutes. I added a little butter to her broccoli and gave it to her, holding my breath and watching intently to see if she would try it out. She has been on this anti-broccoli kick for months now. To my surprise, not only did she eat the bowl of broccoli but signed for more when she finished that one off. Three bowls, a cup of applesauce and a quarter of a sloppy joe and four orange slices later she was signing all done and ready to take on the world with a full tummy. She even turned down the cookie I offered her. I am sure with how skinny she is there are people out there that think I don’t feed her enough, but if you see her eat you would never be able to say she doesn’t eat well. Just a little pride as a mommy coming out in me. I just hope it lasts and that at seven she is still enjoying vegetables and fruit as much as she does now. Although if anyone has any advice to help her put on the pounds in the backside a little that would be nice. She is getting to be tall enough that I need to have the longer pants (especially now that fall is starting to set in and things are getting a little chilly here in the mountains). The problem is she is tall enough for the larger sizes to fit well but she is so skinny around her bum that the pants sag or fall down. I think I may just resort to tacking the pants in the back or on the sides so they don’t fall down when she is running around and playing. She is becoming very adept in stripping off clothes when they bug her now. But she still hasn’t figured out the onesie snaps or zippers on the footed pajamas yet so I am safe from midnight diaper removals as long as I make sure she has one or the other on her at bedtime.
My mom waxed my face yesterday (Sunday), and I have to say it was so nice to feel a little less like I am turning into a man. I don't have a mustache and beard anymore! And it wasn't nearly as bad as the first time. Maybe because my facial hair was twice as long and easier to see this time. But I am amazed at just how much better it made me feel about my appearance. I haven't dwelled that much on how I look because, lets face it I haven't been able to control that part for a while. But I didn't realize just how much a simple face wax would make me feel better about myself, I even put on makeup!
Lately I have been trying to find gratitude in having Cushing’s disease and the Surgery. Not that I was asking to get sick or anything, but just trying to see how this can be something that I can learn more gratitude from. For instance, the other night my feet were so swollen and sore that I could barely walk. It hurt so much. Chris took some essential oils and rubbed my feet and legs to relieve some of the swelling. He rubbed my feet for at least 30 minutes and he was so tired, but he took time to do it for me. I have always liked having my feet rubbed, but words cannot describe how good it felt to have my feet and legs rubbed at that moment. As Chris and I talked he mentioned to me that I would never have known how good it feels to have your feet rubbed when it has been as painful as it is without having the tumor, because the tumor is what is causing the Cushing’s and swelling in my feet, legs, hands and face. He then said that now I know better how to rub someone else’s swollen sore feet, because I know what feels good and what helps. It made me think of Anne Gillis, the land lady of the basement apartment we rented when we were first married. She suffers from Diabetes as well as other problems. Her feet were always so swollen and sore; it was very difficult for her to walk. I wish now that I could spend some time doing the same thing Chris did for me. Maybe when I have recovered enough from my surgery I will give her a call and see if I could come and visit and rub her feet. Although she may think I am a little weird, but maybe not… We shall see. I do know a few people who could probably use a foot rub as well who probably wouldn’t be so weirded out by me asking to rub their feet for them.
I was reading an article today in the Ensign (A monthly magazine put out by my church for those of you who aren’t familiar with it). The article was written by a lady facing a relapse of cancer and basically being told that it was going to eventually end her life. It was a very positive article. I don’t feel personally that this illness is going to kill me and that’s not why I chose to read the article, but it was nice to read and reflect on some of the things said. It just added encouragement to focus on the little things in my life, the gratitude. In the article she included some scripture passages that I found very inspiring. I have found through this illness and everything going on that it has also brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and trusting that even though something bad has happened to me, I can’t focus on the “why me when other people who don’t live as healthy are totally fine” attitude.
I just wanted to share some scriptures she included that really touched and inspired me. The first scripture comes from 2 Timothy1:7, which says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind”. Another passage she shares is John 14:27: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” Something she said also touched me, which was “When we face personal and family problems, even serious illnesses, we can be conquerors. We may be physically destroyed, but we need not be defeated… from an eternal perspective, the most important thing is not how we die but how we have lived. Have we put our lives in order? Have we accomplished the really important things? Have we put aside that which is unimportant?”
I believe firmly that how well I recover depends not only on the physical capabilities of my doctors and myself but on the emotional and spiritual aspects of my life. Now more then ever I need to focus on the Lord and take comfort that he is watching over me and will be there no matter what happens. As with any major illness there is always a risk that I won’t survive, but knowing there is more to just this physical earthly existence and that I will be with my loved ones again brings me joy and comfort. Not everyone agrees with this, and it makes me sad sometimes to see how they struggle with fear and uncertainty, and without feeling the assurance that I feel. I can only hope that they will some day be able to feel the peace that I feel about my illness, the surgery and the long road of recovery that I have ahead of me. I believe that I may have made my condition worse by not dealing with certain stressors in my life, but mainly this is just something that happened, blame it on bad family genetics, emotional issues, whatever; so something bad happened to me. It sucks and it happens, but I can cherish the things it has taught me so far and will teach me later on. I can take time to better appreciate living.
you put into preparing for the day and then knowing it is going to end. Really, that is how this surgery feels to me. It's kind of odd to think it's almost here and although I would prefer to not have surgery, I am looking forward to feeling well again.
